Alright, I'm Sorry I Tried.

So Yeah.

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 08:41:14 GMT

I am so done with complaining about the lil shit.

There is more to life then this.

I gotta figure it out. I know if I'm not careful, I'm going to be sitting one day in my wheelchair, old and decrepit and wondering where my life went. I'm gonna find what drives me and motivates me and I won't look back. I won't stop til everything I want in life is accomplished. This is my time.

It was over a long time ago.

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 18:23:19 GMT

And I Quote:

Its been done. Its been over - a very very long time ago.

Okay then. Its done and over with and I was a fool to think that an apology would make this alright. I was an idiot to think that being cordial and civil was better then shoving that bastard down a manhole.

He can push all my buttons. And he claimed from day one to be able to make me cry. Dont take credit for last night. Last night - I cried bc I was a drunken fool. Because I cry easily. Not because of anything outstandingly special that he said or did. Anyone can be an asshole, its not hard. I know from experience, I am a bigger ass then most.

Don't confuse a desire to remain friends out of decency to all of our mutual friends with a desire to have you love me. Any inkling of wanting to remain civil and decent towards you have now been tossed out the door.

Yes, I over reacted because I was drunk. But you had it coming and it was coming all night. I wasn't starting anything with you. I wasnt proactively trying to get you to notice me with negative behavior. I didnt go around shit talking aboutyou - unlike the way you would rub my face in my own shit, as if I didnt already knew it stank. I laughed it off for you three times - the fourth was just adding insult to injury.

I'm done now. Don't talk to me. Don't talk about me. Its sad bc in the end I am the type of person who would rather be friends with people then let the entire thing end in a wash.

At least I tried. I kept my cool until the very end - by then I was too drunk to bear it I argued like you wanted me to. I was the fool that slurred her words, mixed up her words. Totally unable to vocalize and translate the Vietnamese dialogue in my head into English, I stood there and let you rip me a new asshole. I guess now we're even. And so, I have nothing left to say - I have no regrets in how I acted. I apologized the week before and agreed to take the entire blame for someone who is not entirely blameless. And if he wants to view me like dirt of the earth - a crazy psycho bitch - he is more then welcome. Because his opinion unfortunately, has no weight in my life anymore.

My problem is that I cared whether or not we could remain civil.

My problem is that I care too much when people try to reveal my weaknesses.

My problem is that it is just too easy to hurt my feelings.

My problem was that I did actually genuinely liked him. Thats no longer a problem now. Its not even there anymore, its been replaced by dissapointment towards this boy.

What I did when I flew off the handle didnt merit malicious behavior. It didnt warrant disrepctful behaviors and attitudes. But if he feels just thats fine. I'm finally done now. Its too bad I let myself shed tears along the way.

PS - I didnt ask you if it was over. I stated that if you werent done being mad so that we could be friends why bother putting up a front. I wasnt the one thinking about our 'relationship' - when I stated that, I was more concerned about being friends so our friends dont have to bend over backwards to keep us from bumping into each other.

At Least I Can Say, "I Tried"

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 17:54:45 GMT

So, like the stalker that I am, I keep calling him. And leaving messages. Kind of half explaining myself - kind of half apologetic. He won't pick up and he hates me still. I'm hurt by this but now I can say I kept trying and didnt leave it for dead. I am very good at running away from my problems but with this one, I haven't. I started to, but I didnt.

Everyone tells me to get over it and go out and have sex with random boys. And to go off and be a slut. Uh, are you guys really my friends?? I love how they tell me to forget it. I would never tell them to forget their boyfriends. I would help them work things out. It's okay though, everyone wants me to stay single considering my circumstances.

They think I'm not ready for a committed relationship. I know I'm not ready but this boy, he seems so right in so many ways. I just can't understand it. It freaks me out. I'm scared of what my feelings will develop into. Its all crazy.

If this entire thing ends up as a wash then thats fine, I guess I've learned that you have to take chances with your heart. I have never really learned to do that. Phuong was always my safety. I miss him a great deal but I'm learning to live without him. I'm learning that I am amazingly strong.

Enough Already,

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 21:20:43 GMT

Enough with the feel sorry for myself attitude. I'm gonna enjoy being single. Alone. No one to worry about. And just rock it Ngoc Tran style. Yes, thats right. Ngoc Tran Style.

C'mon, put your party shoes and hat on and lets roll. Oh man, I crack myself up.

I was supposed to go see Neil Diamond tonight but I changed my mind. Part of me wants to rock out to classic American Rawk tunes the other part of me is afraid of seeing this man croak on stage. So I'm going running instead. It's kinda cool out lately. Hopefully, I'll work up a good sweat running with Sheila.

its all fucked up.

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 16:01:20 GMT

So me and Schmidt. Josh. It's all fucked up again. I dont know why I let other people influence what I say or do. Or how I feel. I like him a lot but I messed things up by going "Ngoc crazy psycho" on him. I bitched him out and ripped him a new ass hole. Why? Because I dont trust a one damned guy out there. I am very jaded by dudes and guys. They are all liars and cheats.

When it came to my relationship with Schmidt I should have never listened to anyone but myself. I should have just ignored everyone when they started spouting stuff. And Tony Franco, omg what a mistake there to even think that he was there to be my friend and support me when in reality he was the one leaking poison into my ear. I listened to him and believed him and analyzed my entire relationship with him. I believed him when he told me that this guy sounded like an asshole. I should have known something was up the moment he said, "Oh, he's a lil guy" -- Schmidt isnt that small of a guy...

He never really said anything kind to me about Schmidt. And that should have been my clue. Tony is one of those guys, he'll break you up with your boyfriend and try to fuck you.

well franco, I thought we were friends but apparently not. So fuck you. And Schmidt was right, he was. He told me that most guys would give up their friendships with a girl just to fuck the shit out of her. For one night of sex. And I toldhim he was wrong, I even used Tony as an example. It is a mistake to hang out with a boy everyday when you're mad at the guy you're dating. Because he will almost always take it as a sign that you're trying to make him jealous. And that other boy? He'll try to use it to his advantage.

Last night, me Sheila, Eric, Wally, Carrie and Dan all went to a movie. Wedding Crashers. Schmidt was over at their house playing video games with Eric. And I was relieved bc he wasnt sitting on the couch in the living room - so yeah Sheila goes downstairs and yells at Eric and Schmidt about playing video games and we are all supposed to go to this movie at 9 pm. She tells Schmidt who is all going and he says, "What is that supposed to make me jealous?" - Shiela: "What are you talking about??" Schmidt: "That she's going with Dan." Sheila: "Dan?? Dan's going with Carrie." So she tells him about it but doesnt invite him. She tells him who is all going and it makes it look like I didnt want him going. I even asked her later WHY she just didnt invite him and she said, "Because, I didnt want him to go" - sometimes I think she tries to sabotage the damned relationship too.

When Schmidt gets pissed he really fucking gets mad. The dude wouldn't even look at me when he came upstairs. I said hi to Eric. But Schmidt pretty much did the whole, stand behind someone, make no eye contact, and avoid avoid avoid. And Eric and Sheila were arguing and yelling at each other so I decided to pop outside for a cig and some hot humid fresh air. The whole time I even sat outside I was cursing myself for not having the courage to say hi. Or say anything.

So they all come outside minus Schmidt bc we're all getting ready to go - standing around the porch being dumb - and out he comes carrying a cooler. So I say hey. And I ask him how his trip was. He just walked on and didnt even look at me. Ouch.

It all started bc he forgot and broke a promise about being with me on the day I was supposed to get married. No one realizes the importance of this all for me. It was a day I had planned and put a lot of thought and passion and heart into only to have it all fall apart. Not work out and though now I am relieved and glad that we decided to not go through with getting married - its still hard. Esp in the midst of Wedding Season. Everyone and their sisters got married this year. And I was supposed to be incl, but since I didnt. I had a bar-b-que and he was supposed to be there. But he forgot and promised his family he'd be out with them at their cabin which is fine bc its family BUT he broke his promise to me and forgot the one day I actually might possibly would need him around. Okay. Ouch.

I should have never bitched him out. I shouldnt have gone out drinking all week thinking that would make my problems go away. I just dont know what to do or say right now. But I did try to say hi and man when that boy gets mad, he gets mad. But thats fine, the ball isnt in my court anymore. And I think I'm resounding to stay single.

Well - he's become another notch in the old, Boys, if they fuck you over take it as a lesson learned belt.

they are all alike. and i'm the fool,

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 10:16:18 GMT

i have or rather had a very good friend that i trusted. and it turns out that he is a perv like the rest and all he is interested in is a piece of ass.

i'm drunk at 5 am writing this because i cant believe that i was dumb enough to let someone into my life and see me as myself only to wait til i was drunk to try and seduce me.

it makes me sad and upset and i'm not sure what to think of it all. i thought he was a good friend. i thought he knew me better then this. and i can't believe he would try and do that to me.

JJ told me once that guys would throw away their entire friendship with a girl just to sleep with her for one night. and i told him he was silly and didnt believe him...now i do. Why did he have to prove JJ right? For once, i'm sad that i never really took that straight up comment for what it was worth. Instead, i trusted someone whom i thought was a friend and now i know that i'm an idiot.

a fool.

once again, i'm your fool.

Vindicated - I am selfish, I am wrong

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 22:45:52 GMT

Adam. (aka Todd) That fucker is still partially on my mind.

Why did he ever tell me he was in love with me. Why did he always tell me he wanted me? And all the apologies - the "I have meant every word I've said." - the "I have never lied to you!" - - I'm not listening to that, not even for a second because before the droning was tuned out -now I cant even bear to listen to one more excuse. Lor' we know bullshit talk isnt that easy so how did he do it so well? Begging me to be his girl, his escape. He would always try to show me that he was trying make himself better and that he was trying to be better. What the fuck ever - it was always an act. He should have gone to hollywood when he had the chance because he fooled everyone. Even me. I was the biggest fool of all.

Well, it's over now. I'm not playing into anything he says. I've won, I've won back the place I go to every Thursday night. I've let him know that I'm not so easy to win over. And he knows I've told other people all about his shady ass. He must be embarassed to show his face where I'm at. I know it must suck to know that the people he has never even met knows all about what he has done. All of the things he has said. And the type of person he is underneath that fake skin he wears so well. I've been vindicated - but it doesnt feel complete. I want his torment to be more then just emotional strain and mental weary. I want it to sear his soul so that he cannot even sleep at night. I want his food to be bland and tasteless. I want him to feel that the drab of mere existance is unbearable.

Only then, the anger that has been built into an extra layer in my soul will finally be shed away.

But for the time being, I have no time for losers. I know I never will be so easily beguiled again.

Josh is the perfect redemption tool for my heart. He is a sweet boy. But sometimes, I close him off because I dont want to be burnt - I dont want him to see the weaknesses that I used to let everyone see. I need to be in control of everything. If he hurts me, then everything I've built up against people like Adam would have been for nothing. That's a sad state to be in.

when stupid happens to party people, they take pictures...

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 15:53:42 GMT

me, she-love & kim-chi

Erik. Yum.

yeah we were acting goofy.

sex

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 17:53:39 GMT

...its a good thing. and i like it a lot monre then ever before.

saturday night

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 18:25:15 GMT

I had a good saturday night. Cept for the fighting at Kim's. Kim and Jason were at each others throats and its soo wierd.

I really really like Josh. He's so great. I had a great time with him last night and it was fun. I like him. I just hope the feeling is mutual you know?

Last night...

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 00:42:44 GMT

I had a confrontation last night. I worked a very long long day and should not have gone out for 50 cent beers. But I did - and I did a good job about ignoring that fucker that was out to ruin my life.

But no. It didnt work out so well, bc while I'm sitting there with my friend Tony Franco (doesnt that sound like an Italian mobsters name?? He even wears super heavy, thick gold jewelery that his MOM bought him), Todd comes in right in between us, bc he KNOWS it pisses me off when people do that and starts talking to Kimmy and Jason. wtf you fucker, so I started making comments - which I should have never done and Kim gets all freaked out and tells me to stop. And yeah, when I busted out with the whole, "At least I dont fucking go around beating bitches up" -- he was outta there.

I was out of line. I should have just ignored him. But I have a short temper and what I have learned from my lovely girls back home is to never back up out of anything. In this case, I should have. My Trang people are different.

I let him know I didnt like him and that he better not try to fucking cross me or try playing games with me. No - I am not that friend that you can just use the shit out of. Fuck that and fuck you.

There is a fine fine line between me as the bitch and me as your friend. And I have my own family vouching for me when I say I do spread myself too thin for my friends and I'd do anything for them. But cross the line and thats the end of the story.

yeah but tonight I'm going out with Schmit and I'm kinda waiting on him to call me. So I'm booooored. I got off work a little while ago and wanna just do something. Anything! Oh well, I had the choice to go to a concert tonight and I didnt go. Which sucks.